


If I Hold On

by hopingforaword



Series: Grip [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: 5+1 Things, AU, Cedric Doesn't Die, M/M, Yule Ball
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-18
Updated: 2018-03-18
Packaged: 2019-04-04 07:03:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14014815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hopingforaword/pseuds/hopingforaword
Summary: “Hi, Harry,” Cedric said from behind Harry. Harry started so violently he almost spilled punch down himself.“Hey, Cedric,” Harry said, turning around, “Are you having fun?”Five times Cedric left and one time he stayed





	1. The Yule Ball

**Author's Note:**

> This is for [Potterversenet's](http://potterversenet.tumblr.com) [March Members' Event](http://potterversenet.tumblr.com/tagged/pvn-members-mar-). It's also the first work in a three part Hedric 5+1 series. I hope you like it!
> 
> I updated this because I really liked the concept (and I will be adding two more installments to this series) but I was rereading it and found the writing a little lacking. I hope you enjoy it!

Harry did not like being the center of attention, nor did he much enjoy dancing, so having his every dance move analyzed and critiqued as he spun Parvati carefully across the floor. Harry was, however, a Gryffindor through and through, so he kept dancing longer than was strictly required, trying to present a bravery and elegance he did not feel. When a Durmstrang boy probably two years older than him asked if he could cut in, Harry let out a sigh of relief and nodded, retreating to the refreshment table. He stood there for a few moments, drinking punch and watching the couples around him twirl and stomp in perfect rhythm. Harry wondered, as he watched, how it was that he could fly a broom to distract a dragon, but couldn’t muster up the nerve to ask a girl to dance with him.

“Hi, Harry,” Cedric said from behind Harry. Harry started so violently he almost spilled punch down himself.

“Hey, Cedric,” Harry said, turning around and looking up at the other Hogwarts champion, “Are you having fun?”

“Loads,” Cedric said, “Cho’s an amazing dancer.” He looked out across the hall, where Cho was talking to some girls in her year, and waved. She smiled and waved back. 

Harry grimaced as Cho saw him and smiled slightly. Cho had probably told Cedric that Harry had asked her, and Harry tried his best to tamp down the jealousy rising in his stomach. It wouldn’t look good for him to start a fight with his fellow Hogwarts champion, not when his status in the tournament was so scrutinized as it was. “I bet she is.”

“Are you alright, Harry?” Cedric asked, tilting his head and looking at Harry with his eyes wide and his eyebrows knit.

Harry shrugged, Cedric’s concern, though apparently genuine, making him uncomfortable. “I don’t know,” Harry said, “I guess I just don’t like big parties, especially when everyone’s watching me.” Harry laughed awkwardly. “And I’m not a great dancer.”

Cedric smiled. “I remember being fourteen. It feels like the whole world is watching, waiting for you to mess up. I guess it must be even worse for you, huh?”

“Yeah,” Harry laughed, “I mean, part of the reason I like playing Seeker is people are only watching you for a few seconds instead of the whole game.” Harry scratched the back of his neck. “But I’m probably sucking all the fun out of your evening, huh?” He laughed hollowly.

“No, you’re fun, Harry,” Cedric laughed, and Harry felt his skin warm. “I know the tournament’s hard, especially for you, but don’t let that get in the way of living. Fourth year can be so great. After all, it’s your last year before OWLs.” Harry nodded slowly. “Well, I should probably get back to Cho.” Cedric clapped Harry on the shoulder. “I’ll see you later, Harry.” Harry felt warmth where Cedric’s hand had met his back and watched him go.

“Uh, Harry, do you want to dance with me?” Harry looked around to see Susan Bones. “Just one dance?”

“Yeah, of course,” Harry said. He let Susan pull him onto the dance floor. Once the music started, he led her over to where Cho was dancing with Cedric. Harry didn’t take his eyes off them all evening.


	2. Dumbledore's Army

A year later, Harry was cleaning up after the last DA meeting before the holidays. They had learned and been practicing Stunning, and everyone had made progress. Harry had been especially anxious because he had helped Cedric, who was usually a natural at anything Harry taught, perfect his Stunning. After he and Harry had escaped the graveyard together they had become close friends, constantly owling each other all summer, but that hadn’t prepared Harry for actually seeing Cedric when fifth year had started. Harry knew that his feelings for Cedric the year earlier had been more than platonic, but he thought he had moved on over the holidays. Seeing Cedric again, fresh from two months in Italy with his family, Harry realized he had deluded himself. Cedric was just as charming and fit as ever. He had been one of the first people to sign up for the DA, and it was always difficult for Harry to focus on teaching and checking everyone’s form when Cedric was there. He wanted to stand next to Cedric and talk to him all night. Harry shook his head, finishing cleaning the room.

The door to the Room of Requirement opened, and Harry swiveled around. Cedric was back, standing in the doorway, and Harry felt his mouth go dry. “I think I dropped my Head Boy badge, and I’ve already lost my original this month,” Cedric said, shutting the door, “Professor Sprout will kill me if I need another new one.”

Harry gestured vaguely, turning back to the cushions he was putting away. “I’m just cleaning up. Feel free to look around.”

Cedric nodded and walked further into the room. Harry heard him walking around, moving the few chairs that always appeared in the Room of Requirement. Harry picked up two books on Stunning that he had taken out for a pair of Ravenclaws who liked to understand the theory as much as the practice, and put them on a shelf. A shiny piece of metal with the Hogwarts logo fell out, and Harry picked it up. “Cedric, I found your badge.”

Cedric crossed the room in three strides and took his badge from Harry. Harry held in a gasp and was grateful for his darker complexion as he felt Cedric’s fingers brush his. “Thanks, Harry.” Cedric was smiling at Harry, who coughed and looked away.

“Do you need help getting back to your dorm? I can check the map.”

Cedric laughed. “If I can’t sneak past a school professor and a band of power-hungry teenagers, I don’t think I’ll make a very good Auror.”

“You want to be an Auror?”

“Yeah. I’ve been talking to my dad about it. He says it’s exhausting, physically and mentally, but I think it’s worth it to do some good protecting the world. Why, are you thinking about joining up when you graduate?”

Harry shrugged. “It makes sense to me. I’ve spent my whole life fighting Voldemort, and I want to keep doing it until he and all his supporters are gone.”

“Don’t you want to take a break?” Cedric asked quietly, brushing hair off Harry’s forehead. Harry felt the room get warm as he realized how close Cedric was standing to him.

“And what? Live a normal life?” Harry couldn’t figure out how to back up without looking rude. “I can’t. I have to win or die trying.” He met Cedric’s eyes and saw a carefree smile. “What?”

“I’m going to kiss you,” Cedric whispered. And he did. Harry felt Cedric’s warm lips meet his and his eyes slid shut. He tried to kiss Cedric back, not quite knowing what to do since he had never kissed anyone before. Cedric’s tongue brushed against where Harry’s lips met, and Harry opened his mouth slightly, allowing Cedric’s tongue to explore his mouth. Harry felt warm, and as Cedric wrapped an arm around his waist, Harry thought that might be the only thing keeping him on the ground. Cedric struck a nerve that made Harry gasp, and he felt Cedric pull away. Harry opened his eyes and took in Cedric’s red cheeks. Cedric smiled and said, “Happy holidays, Harry.” He walked over to the door, glanced over his shoulder, and left.

“Don’t go,” Harry said softly as the door swift shut. He sat down and put his face in his hands. He had spent a year trying to get his lingering thoughts of Cedric out of his head, even when he was constantly presented with more inappropriate thoughts thanks to the total lack of privacy in the Quidditch locker rooms. Harry had been determined to be just friends with Cedric, no matter what he really wanted. Now all of that had gone away because Cedric had kissed him. And when had Cedric and Cho broken up? Last that Harry had heard, the couple was getting pretty serious as they approached their one year anniversary. But Cedric had kissed Harry, who was decidedly not Cho. Cedric clearly liked him, or thought he was cute, or both.

So why had he left?

Harry sighed as he stood up and summoned his bag. He could ask Hermione, who seemed to understand everyone, at least theoretically. He had never told her or Ron about his complicated feelings towards Cedric, but there was no time like the present.


	3. The Ministry of Magic

Harry was shaking as Remus and Dumbledore helped him up. Remus said, “Harry, how are — what do you need?”

Before Harry could respond, Cedric appeared behind them. “I think right now he needs a friend.” Harry nodded absently, and walked with Cedric to sit on the edge of the now destroyed fountain. “How are you doing?”

“Terrible. How could I be anything but terrible? My godfather died and it’s my fault, and the prophecy was broken anyway so I don’t even get to know what Voldemort wanted to hear so badly.”

“I’m sorry,” Cedric whispered. 

“I called half the Order here,” Harry continued as if Cedric hadn’t spoken, “And the DA and people got hurt. Really hurt, probably mentally damaged for life. Voldemort and Bellatrix got away, and now the war’s really going to start because the Ministry has to admit that he’s back, so even more people are gonna die and it’s going to be my fault.”

Cedric put his hand on Harry’s knee. “You know it isn’t your fault.”

“But perhaps worst of all,” Harry stood up, now fuming, “is that I’m sitting here with you, and you can’t stop trying to comfort me. Why are you here?”

Cedric spluttered. “I’m in the DA. I had to bring the second wave.”

“Had to?”

“Yes, had to. I had to fight.” He smiled at Harry, who scowled back, “I had to protect you.”

“I didn’t ask you to protect me. I can take care of myself. And I meant why are you  _ here _ sitting on the edge of this destroyed fountain, talking to me? Trying to comfort me? What are you doing? Why can’t you just leave me alone?”

“Because I’m your friend, Harry.”

“Friends don’t kiss you and leave and stop talking to you.”

Cedric stood up. “Do you want me to go?”

“Yes,” Harry spat, and Cedric walked over to Dumbledore. Dumbledore and Cedric began conversing quietly, and Remus returned to Harry’s side. Harry had sat back down on the fountain, tears running down his cheeks. Remus sat down next to him.

“Harry,” Remus said, enveloping him in a hug. Harry tucked himself into Remus’s shoulder, shaking with gasps. “Do you want a piece of chocolate?” Harry nodded and withdrew himself, sitting on the ledge. Remus produced a piece of chocolate from his coat and Harry ate it, wiping his eyes. Remus sat still next to him, one arm wrapped around Harry’s shoulders. “Do you want to talk?”

Harry shook his head. “Did you love him?” Remus raised an eyebrow and Harry rolled his eyes. “I saw how you looked at him, Remus. I didn’t get it when I was thirteen, but I saw you all last summer. How you looked at each other when you thought no one was watching, how you listened to him, how he talked about you.”

Remus looked at Harry for a long moment, and Harry wondered if he had gone too far. “Yes,” Remus said. “I love Sirius.”

“Love? Present tense?”

Remus nodded. “I still love him, even if he can’t love me back now,” Remus’s voice cracked and he wiped a tear away. “Why?”

“I’ve never met another two men that love each other.” Harry leaned his head on Remus’s shoulder. A moment passed before he whispered, “I think I love another guy.”

Remus glanced at Cedric and raised an eyebrow at Harry. Harry nodded, closing his eyes. “Does Cedric like men?”

Harry shrugged. “He kissed me once, earlier this year. But I don’t think he likes me. He stopped talking to me after that. I don’t know what to do, Remus.” Harry heard footsteps approaching. He opened his eyes and was greeted by Cedric’s face.

“Dumbledore’s giving me the go ahead to start taking people back to the castle. Do you want me to go with them?”

“Yes,” Harry said.

“Then I will. Bye, Harry.” Cedric walked over to where Ginny and Luna were waiting by the Ministry Apparition points and grabbed their hands before Disapparating. Harry watched him go before leaning into Remus’s shoulder and finally letting himself cry.


	4. Dumbledore's Funeral

Scrimgeour walked away from Harry, and Harry kept walking his path around the lake, taking in the view of the Hogwarts grounds. It really was beautiful this time of year. He couldn’t think of a more perfect place for Dumbledore to be buried. As he walked, trying to decide what his plan now that Dumbledore could not lead him was, Harry heard footsteps approaching behind him. He stopped, waiting for whoever it was to greet him, too mentally exhausted from the last few days to have a thought for politeness.

“Hi Harry,” Cedric said softly. “Nice day, isn’t it?”

Harry shrugged. “You came with the Ministry?” Upon graduation, Cedric had signed up to be an Auror and put in a new accelerated training program that Head Auror Robards had established to fight against the Death Eaters. Cedric had proved himself quickly, and he had quickly become the face of the Young Aurors Program. Not that Harry had read any of the Daily Prophet features on Cedric. Not like he had them all in his trunk upstairs.

“Yes. But I wanted to be here. It’s Dumbledore.”

Harry looked at him. “What do you want to tell me?”

Cedric sighed. “You just cut right to it, don’t you? No time for nonsense.”

“None of us have time for nonsense. Dumbledore’s gone and Voldemort’s still out there. None of us have any time to waste, and I’ve never been a man who likes small talk.”

“Why walk around the lake then?”

“One last day in the sun. What do you need?”

“I need to let you know that, should you ever need it, I can always help you.”

“With what?”

Cedric shrugged. “Whatever you need. I’m a Hufflepuff, loyal to the very end. And if you’re going to take on Voldemort, you’ll need all the help and friends you can get.”

Harry was silent for a minute. “Thanks, Cedric.”

Cedric glanced over at the Ministry party as he and Harry came around to where they had been seated for Dumbledore’s funeral. “I should probably be leaving.”

Harry nodded. The words, “Don’t go,” were echoing around in his head, but the last time he said that it had been too late, and this time Cedric had to go. He watched Cedric rejoin the Minister and his entourage. Harry thought he saw Cedric glance over his shoulder before disappearing into the crowd. Harry sighed and, catching sight of Ron and Hermione, ran to meet them. He had made his decision, and he had to tell his friends. Plans had to be made. He put Cedric out of his mind as he called out to his friends.


	5. Harry's Birthday

“You came,” Harry whispered as Cedric walked into the kitchen.

“Of course I did. Molly invited me, and it’s your birthday.” Cedric smiled, rinsing his hands in the sink.

“The last two time we’ve been alone with each other I haven’t been very nice,” Harry said sheepishly, watching Cedric dry his hands.

“That’s true. Clearly I don’t care, seeing as I went out of my way to get myself alone with you tonight.” He grinned at Harry, before scratching his head. “Besides, I wasn’t very nice to you after that DA meeting.”

“You mean after you kissed me?” Cedric nodded. “I think about that a lot. I thought about it before it happened.” Harry scratched the back of his neck, avoiding Cedric’s watchful gaze. “I had a huge crush on you in fourth year. Just watching you do all the tasks, and you were so nice to me even though I was a little kid and you were the rightful champion and– And I thought it went away, but I guess how hurt I was when you stopped talking to me shows I really still cared.”

Cedric took a deep breath. “I never should have done it. I think about it a lot, too, and it wasn’t the right thing.”

“I get it, Cedric,” Harry said, walking towards the door to the backyard. He should’ve known it was just going to end up like this. Cedric grabbed his arm.

“Hang on, Harry. This is all coming out wrong.” Harry faced Cedric, arms crossed, not smiling despite how adorably flustered Cedric was getting. “It wasn’t the right thing to do because I was eighteen and you were fifteen. That doesn’t mean I didn’t want to do it. God, Harry, I wanted to do it.” 

Harry met Cedric’s eyes and saw something burning in them, and smiled. “I bet you didn’t know that was my first kiss.” Cedric looked frightened, so Harry quickly added. “It was perfect. I couldn’t have asked for more.”

Cedric smiled. “I’ve wanted to kiss you again for two years, Harry, but it seems like there’s never been another good moment.”

“I probably wouldn’t have let you anyway. I was too angry for too long,” Harry laughed. “But I don’t think I’d mind if you did it now.”

There was a moment of silence in the kitchen, the only sounds coming from the party in the garden. Harry took a breath and looked at Cedric, whose eyes were wide. “I want you to kiss me. Please, Cedric. It’s my birthday.”

Cedric crossed the kitchen in two long strides and brushed the hair out of Harry’s eyes. They looked at each other for a moment before Harry leaned up and kissed Cedric. He had learned how to kiss better since when he was fifteen, and he wrapped his arms around Cedric’s neck as he pressed Cedric’s mouth open, slipping his tongue between Cedric’s lips. Cedric wrapped his hands around Harry’s hips and lifted him onto the counter. Harry pulled him closer, wrapping his legs around Cedric and tangling his fingers in Cedric’s hair. Cedric pulled back, panting slightly, and pressed his forehead against Harry’s. “Do you want to, uh,” Cedric cleared his throat. “Do you want to go up to your room?”

“I do,” Harry whispered, “I really,  _ really _ do.” He pressed a kiss to the underside of Cedric’s jaw. “But I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“I’m going on a mission. A mission Dumbledore gave me. So I’m not going back to school. I can’t be attached to anyone.” He played with the buttons of Cedric’s shirt to avoid looking at him.

“We can just have one night together,” Cedric said hopefully.

Harry raised his eyebrows and looked at Cedric. “Maybe you can. But I can’t. Not now, and not with you. If we do this, it’s going to mean too much to me. And I don’t want him to come for you again. I’ve waited two years, Cedric. I can wait a little longer.”

Cedric sighed and smiled. “A true Gryffindor through and through. Brave, caring, and selfless.” He kissed Harry gently. “But what should I do while I wait for my knight in shining armor.”

“Keep fighting the good fight. Assume that no news is good news. And try to stay alive.” Harry smiled. “And think about me.”

“I haven’t stopped for two years.”

Harry leaned up and kissed Cedric. “I’ll see you in my dreams for sure. There’s going to be a lot of lonely nights. I hope you don’t mind.”

“Only if I’m allowed to dream of you, too.” Cedric smiled at Harry. “I can’t wait for this whole thing to be over. So it’s over, of course, and all the Death Eaters are gone, but also so we –”

“Don’t,” Harry said, “Don’t make promises you can’t keep.” Harry smiled. “I’m going to be incredibly upset with you if you die.”

“Ditto,” Cedric said. “It’s getting late.” He kissed Harry and left the kitchen.


	6. After the Battle of Hogwarts

“I thought I’d find you here,” Cedric said. Harry sat up in the four poster bed he had conjured outside the passage to the kitchen. He scooted over and Cedric sat down next to him, closing the curtains around them.

“Oh? How’d you figure that?”

“Well, the Great Hall has too many people, too many bodies for you. Gryffindor tower is too loaded; it was supposed to be a safe place but there are too many people who can never go back with you. The dungeons are dark, the Room of Requirement is damaged, Ravenclaw is hard to get into.” Cedric sighed, smiling, “And I was hoping that you’d be waiting for me.”

“You’re smart for a pretty boy. Yeah, I was waiting for you. I got tired, though, so,” he gestured around at the bed.

Cedric laughed, climbing onto the mattress. “So this wasn’t an attempt to seduce me?” He kissed the top of Harry’s head. “How are you doing?” he asked, wrapping an arm around Harry’s shoulders.

Harry leaned his head on Cedric’s shoulder, taking a minute to just breathe him in. “Weird. Really weird. I died, and I came back. So many people I know, people I love, died and won’t come back. My life’s mission is over, and I’m not even eighteen yet. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do anymore.”

Cedric squeezed him arms tighters around Harry. “That’s alright. You’ve spent your whole life fighting a genocidal megalomaniac. It’s okay to not know what to do next. You’re not going to join me on the force?”

Harry shook his head. “I think I’m done fighting. I’d like to do some good in the world, real good, not just fighting evil. Healing, maybe.”

“You’d be a good Healer. You’re smart and strong, but most importantly you’re infinitely caring.” Cedric yawned. “I don’t know about you, but I’m exhausted.” He burrowed under the covers and smiled at Harry, who was gaping at him. “What?”

“We’re going to sleep here? You and me? Just in the corridor?”

Cedric waved his fingers, muttering something, before he laid down and closed his eyes. “I put up Privacy charms. Happy?”

“Privacy charms? For what?”

Cedric opened his eyes and put a warm hand on Harry’s cheek. “Relax, Harry. I put up privacy charms because you’re even more famous now than you were before, but we should sleep. I promise I didn’t intend for us to do anything except sleep. Not tonight, anyway.” He winked, and Harry took a deep breath, scooting down the bed. 

“So you’re going to stay?”

Cedric nodded. “I’m making up for all the promises I never made.” He pulled Harry closer. Harry turned over and scooted closer to Cedric so they were spooning. Cedric whispered, “Good night, Harry.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! 
> 
> Be on the lookout for the second part of this series, "Pull Me Close," five times Cedric gave Harry a boner and one time he gave him an orgasm.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! My Harry Potter tumblr is [here](http://hermionejeangranger.tumblr.com) and my main blog is [here](http://darkmindbrightspirit.tumblr.com).


End file.
